Cats and dogs are definitely different, they are like Democrats and Republicans with hair. They can’t agree on anything, they don’t get along, they generally don’t like each other, and they have completely different philosophies about how life should be handled. For example, if you take a cat for a walk, you will never see a cat drawn to just one fire hydrant, shaking with extreme exhilaration and excitement, not one, let alone EVERY fire hydrant that passes its way. For that reason, cats should be treated very differently than dogs, or any other pet for that matter.

Take teaching your pet tricks as an example. A dog, for example, will sit down, see the cookie or treat, hear your confusing words, and with repetition, eventually figure out that when you make a certain sound, if it paws at you, it will receive the treat. The cat, under the same set of circumstances, will realize after a while that, for some stupid reason, you want to hold its paw so you can give it a bite of tuna. It recognizes that inside its paw there are razor-sharp claws. After staring at you like an idiot for a while and then yawning with boredom, it will use its claws inside the leg you coveted so much to cut you into strips and remove your tuna skewer.

Try it once and you will see. I still have the scar. However, he did not save the tuna.

The fact is that you can train a dog or most pets so that you can live your life with a certain continuity, you can come to expect things from a dog, things you can count on. For example, he will bark to go out to relieve himself. Or it could stand very cute on its hind legs for dinner. You can train them to sit, lie down, and fetch. While you may have problems at bath time, it may be made worse by chasing the wet dog around the house, you will not pull a dog off the ceiling or back every time you turn on a faucet in the bathroom. Cats, on the other hand, are a completely different story. Giving them a bath is like going to the dentist … If the dentist were a complete psychopath with machetes for fingers. Cats have to be treated differently if you want to enjoy them … Hell, if you just want to survive them.

You don’t train the cats, they train you, and once you come to accept this fact and even learn to take advantage of it, your life will be better.

First of all, the cat’s perception is that you are there to please them. When they want you to pet them, they let you. When they don’t want you to pet them, try catching and holding them without the need for a blood transfusion. There is a certain logic to the thinking of a cat that you cannot deny. Although they are our pets (or so we think), we choose them, find them and bring them to our home. We owe them. We are responsible for them and they know it. Dogs haven’t realized this yet, they’re just happy to have a couch to sleep in and a warm place to lick themselves.

So, from day one, understand that it belongs to your cat. That’s the way it is. Learn from your cat, and if you obey it, your life will be fine. The cat will go into the litter box, the cat will play with your stupid ball of yarn for fun when he feels the need. The cat will let you pet it when it bites and will let you feed it when it meows. The cat can even purr at times and warm your heart.

However, ignore this first rule and you will pay in pain of biblical proportions. Newspapers and magazines will mysteriously turn into confetti. The shoes will be sprayed. The plants will be chewed into pieces. And that’s just a warm-up act if you don’t get the hint.

So now that you know you belong to the cat, how can you better serve your new master so as not to stir his temper?

Start out like you would any pet, spend time with them and let them know that you love them. Don’t try to get revenge by hiding their toys because they made you worse. They’ll find the cat nibbling on the mouse and jingling plastic ball and destroy the sock drawer you hid them in, and the pictures on top of the dresser and your pillow to boot.

Believe it or not, cats like routine behavior, so establish a routine. Feed them at the same time every day. You will know if you make a mistake and miss meal time when you find hairballs in your soup. If you feed the cat at the same time every day and its belly is full, it will be able to eat in peace.

Also, cats like to be groomed and petted when they feel like doing it. They are really very clean creatures, they will actually train to use a litter box and clean their fur constantly. If you brush, pet and groom them, and keep the litter box clean, you are likely to encounter very few problems with their hygiene. Eventually, you will have to bathe the cat, and that’s never easy, but if you groom it routinely, you won’t have to bathe it too often. The mist bottles they sell that give cats quick, gentle baths work, but the cat will still run away once it recognizes that the bottle sprays wet things. In fact, the cat can run and hide whenever it sees ANY spray bottle once you bathe it with one, but this can be used to your advantage. The cat does not stop meowing, breaks the atomizer. You won’t even have to spray the cat, you probably couldn’t if you wanted to because little buggers are fast, the look of the bottle will do the job for you. Spray bottles can be good, gentle training tools. You can use them to keep cats off counters, off tables, and out of other places you don’t want them to go. Water is your friend and it is your cat’s kryptonite.

Cat nip helps calm excitable cats, but can be overused. Cat bite occasionally and in small amounts is fine, but it makes a cat intoxicating, which is why they become so tame and playful. You wouldn’t give your teen whiskey to keep them at bay, so keep that in mind. But cat bite is not bad for cats in small doses, they enjoy it and it can give you some stress-free time with your feline.

Lastly, cat sweaters are never a good idea. I don’t care how cute you think they’ll look, they’ll hate it, and you have to put that dork on them. If you insist on dressing your cat for any reason, you will need the outfit, a tourniquet, and an ambulance on standby. It never hurts to have a bowl of ice nearby so that perhaps surgeons can save any limbs that your cat cuts off. Doctors can work miracles these days. Or better yet, leave the cat alone, he’s already wearing a fur coat. Sheesh. Get a chihuahua or a Barbie doll if you need to dress something fancy to make her look cute.

In all seriousness, treat your cat with love and respect, have a good time with him, and remember that you were put on this Earth to meet all of his needs, and you will be fine. So will your happy, free-spirited feline friend! Good luck.

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