Children with special needs are prone to depression and irritability at nearly three times the rate of children who do not face unique challenges. It’s a fairly predictable fact: the child encounters a difficulty that doesn’t get in the way of their peers, and they wonder if someone has had to work as hard just to not succeed as well as their relatively effortless cohort. As a parent, of course you want to do something to help them, and you can.
Talk about your own struggles
Talking to your child with special needs about some of the most challenging times he has faced in his life, obviously mediated based on his level of maturity understanding, can do an extraordinary amount to help him feel less hopeless. Knowing that your main role model (you, your father) has struggled, gotten through tough situations, and found a way to succeed can help you understand that success is out there to achieve it.
Be specific, but not bogged down
When you sit down to talk about your own life, it is important that you operate with a level of detail that makes it clear that you are definitely describing an actual event. Don’t speak in the abstract, in a passive voice, or in the third person; say “I did this”, not “this happened to someone”. Talk about the salient details of the problem and go into detail about your emotional state and emotional processes. But don’t get so bogged down in the details that you lose track of the story; tell them only the parts that are most necessary to help them understand the point.
Frame each story in a positive light
Don’t tell stories of times when a problem caused you to give up, but then things turned out well anyway – you don’t want to encourage them to give up! Instead, choose stories where your struggles were tough, but you actively overcame them in the end. Point out the lessons you learned and how those lessons made you feel better about yourself and your situation.
Talk about starting early
If you didn’t get over the challenges you’re discussing until later in life, tell them why you wish you had learned those lessons much earlier. Discuss with them how your life could have been better if you had understood a decade earlier that (for example) advocating for your own needs would likely result in your needs being met.
Empower your child
Throughout the discussion, remember that your goal is to empower your child. It is good to acknowledge that your child’s struggles are real; They must also openly acknowledge that fact, but it is also good to recognize that the power to overcome those challenges is in their hands.
Problems are opportunities in disguise
Ultimately, the “meta-lesson” behind these discussions is the same: that every challenge your child currently faces is an opportunity for the child to learn skills that they would never have otherwise attained. One day, in all likelihood, they will look back on that opportunity with gratitude, and that is the sign of a truly empowered individual.