Nintendo does some dumb things in their games on a constant basis. I consistently keep introductions short. Enjoy.

10. Large-scale animal slaughter is okay

So you’re standing there minding your own business and a turtle walks up to you. If you’re a sane human being, you just watch it go by on its merry way or pick it up and try to feed it dirt or something. However, if you’re a Nintendo character, you stomp on that little terrorist’s head and then kick his lifeless corpse at his friends and kill them too. It doesn’t end there. Innocent alligators in Donkey Kong are beaten with barrels until they die of blunt force trauma (all because they’re between DK and his bananas). If you come across a bear cub in Pokémon, you better dragon kick him in the melon until he passes out or you won’t be able to get him into your little apple-sized container. Samus is the only reason some bat species have become extinct. The animal crossing guy stuffs live fish down his pants and laughs as they choke to death! The list goes on and on, getting worse. Atrocities committed at the average Nintendo launch would blow a PETA member’s head off. Unpleasant.

9. Voice acting (or lack thereof)

Everyone knows those few sad sound files. Mario jumps up and bites himself. Mario jumps twice and goes “wah”. Mario triple jumps and looks like he just won the Kentucky lottery. Other than that, you won’t get much out of everyone’s favorite obese Italian. He’s like some sort of overweight, spring-loaded caveman with an unsettling fashion sense. And when he DOES speak real words, players are faced with the serious consideration of whether or not they should fill their ears with silly putty to escape the helium-fueled horror. There are times when I just want to punch that voice actor in the kidney, as seen in “SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPER MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARIO GAAAAAAAAAAALAXY!!! WOOOOOOHOOOOO!”

The introduction to that game probably makes at least 1 in 3 respectable adults return it immediately.

Link, Samus, and Donkey Kong, on the other hand, are quite reserved. In fact, when asked a question, they simply stare at the other person until they continue the conversation without flinching. At least Link and Donkey Kong growl or scream in pain from time to time. Samus is kind of deaf and dumb. What if he sneezes into that helmet? How sick would that be?

8. Spontaneous Combustion Defeated Bosses

Like giant octopuses, huge screaming robotic pterodactyls, one-eyed spider monsters, and evil overgrown vegetation as main characters.
they weren’t rare enough, they all have a really weird way of charging. I can’t for the life of me understand why kicking coconuts at a giant octopus in Super Mario Galaxy would cause it to EXPLODE. I’ve heard of allergic reactions, but that’s ridiculous. Gohma in The Legend of Zelda does the same thing. All I did was hit him in the eye with a slingshot and a dwarven sword! Isn’t there a Visine for that? However, these reflections lead me to my next complaint.

7. Hindu chiefs

Apparently ALL Nintendo developers are run by people who believe in reincarnation. “Oh look, I have to fight Phantom Link again… I was really rusty with my volleyball skills since the last time I fought him was 30 MINUTES AGO. So glad it’s Bowser again! This time he jumps!” before throwing balls of fire! OH SWEET MOTHER OF MOSES, HE IS THROWING SHARP OBJECTS WRONG!

I could go on a three-hour tirade about Metroid Prime: Hunters. You had to stink of life to lose to one of the other hunters, and there were literally only two bosses that you fought about 6 times EACH. Much of the code for that game was copy-pasted that was more reminiscent of a Kotaku article than a game.

6. Almost no plot, but still has cut scenes

Games don’t HAVE to have a story. I recognize that. But when the plot of the game I’m playing is THE PRINCESS WAS KIDNAPPED BY THE GRANDINOSAURGE IN AN IGNORANT WAY IT GETS SOME STARS (See next point) I don’t want to see cut scenes. Especially not the ones with the entire universe exploding or the ones with Mario getting a kiss ON THE NOSE after all the shit he just went through. And don’t even get me started on Fire Emblem. Those cut scenes don’t even make sense. Just type “VER PLOT OF FIRE EMBLEM 1-9” and start the fight.

PS: Your Rival being the leader of the Elite Four was the dumbest and most predictable plot twist I’ve ever seen. I hate you, Game Freak.

5. You lost your Power Suit/Princess/Bananas!!!

Almost all Nintendo games start out the same. The hero/heroine is standing around, just chilling, and SUDDENLY a mushroom-headed/shaggy-butt/pointy-eared homie shows up with the worst possible news. It doesn’t matter if Link has saved Zelda 37 times. That girl keeps getting Natalie Holloway out of the castle. Same with Mario’s story. Bowser doesn’t even have a real REASON to kidnap Peach, unless he wants to make some kind of human/dinosaur baby out of her (and I’m pretty sure THAT wouldn’t even work. I mean, I’m not a doctor, but sweet mercy)

Donkey Kong’s missions don’t even BEGIN to make sense. it’s BANANAS. They grow on trees, man. They are everywhere. But that thug runs off to certain death anyway. Good stuff, Nintendo writers, good stuff. Worst of all, however, is the Mario Party series. Somehow they manage to give a quick 30 second explanation as to why these guys are playing a board game (they’re saving the world). As if the game itself wasn’t bad enough…

4. Support cast getting worse with each iteration

Waluigi… Tatl and Tael… Lanky Kong… Surely at some point in the development of their respective games, someone thought these chumps would be a good idea. And then you see them. Waluigi is the most anorexic and badly groomed character I have ever seen. Tatl and Tael are like Navi, but even nastier. And Lanky Kong… I’ll be dangerous if Lanky Kong isn’t some kind of sick riff on retarded kids. That’s wrong, Nintendo. You have a special place in hell for that.

3. Mind-boggling fluctuating difficulty

So I’m browsing through Mario Galaxy (which I’ve referenced an obscene number of times on this list), with no real issues. Sure, there’s a level or two that I have to retry a few times, but aside from the random boss, nothing is really too taxing. Suddenly I come to the Dreadnought Galaxy Purple Coin Challenge. I capitalized it because it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in a game. I spent THREE HOURS redoing and redoing that thing and STILL NOT GETTING THE STAR. Your aim with the Wiimote has to be better than OJ Simpson’s aim with a knife if you want to stand a chance. It was totally unexpected and about 10 times harder than the final level and the boss fight. Thank you, Mario, for distorting my mind. (I eventually got over it, by the way) Oh, and the Elite Four in Pokémon? I get that it’s the ultimate challenge or whatever, but I mean REALLY. You suck at that game if you ever get a game over screen before that point, but if you don’t EVER spend leveling up before then, you’re just out of luck. That was probably the worst part of the 90s for me.

2. Never a real cooperative EVER

How many kids around the world have the complexion of a dead polar bear because they spent 43 1/2 hours straight playing the new Zelda game indoors and alone? The number of kids who are now friendless because they discovered Super Metroid at a young age is probably in the quabahatrillions. Something must be done to bring these children back to the concept of FRIENDS. Cooperative mode, maybe? No. Co-Star mode will work just fine, won’t it, Nintendo? Until Brawl, with its supposedly good 2-player adventure mode, those kids had to not having friends and hating rockers.

1. DELAYED

Animal Crossing: Wild World
mario kart wii
Super Smash Bros. Brawl (LIKE SEVEN TIMES)
Metroid Prime 3: Corruption
The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess
The Legend of Zelda: Ghost Hourglass
Pretty much every game that involves a Zelda character

That’s just a short list of Nintendo games that were announced for a certain date and then pushed back just as anticipation was at an all time high. Basically, if Nintendo announces a release date for a game, that day can be released on your schedule because NOTHING is going to happen at that time. 5 million Smash fans cried themselves to sleep every time Brawl was delayed. As such, I think November 3rd should be “National Hate Reggie Fils-Aime Day”…where everyone on the planet posts a YouTube video of themselves crying into their own keyboards until they get an electric shock. of the damaged equipment strong enough. to knock them out until at least February 2, because it comes out then, right?

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