The emergence of sex addiction into the general consciousness may cause some people to worry about their spouse, partner, family member, or close friend. With various well-known celebrities admitting to having a sex addiction, most often after being caught cheating on their spouse, the line between an addict and a cheating spouse begins to blur. You may be wondering if there are signs you should be on the lookout for. It is important to understand that there is a difference between a person who is unfaithful and unreliable and a person who is actually dealing with a sexual addiction.
Maybe it’s not your partner you’re worried about, but a family member, a friend, or a friend’s spouse. Maybe you’ve had a vague feeling that something isn’t quite right and you don’t know enough to approach him/her with your concerns; again, are there signs I should be on the lookout for?
If any of the above scenarios explain the situation you find yourself in, read on. There are signs you can watch for, telltale behaviors that can act as a red flag to indicate that sex addiction is likely.
1. Preoccupation with sex
A person with a sex addiction will have an unusual preoccupation with sex and their own personal sexual fantasies. While it is healthy and normal to think about sex and maintain a healthy libido, a person struggling with addiction will worry about sex to the exclusion of anything else. Eventually, sexual thoughts and activities will be the most important part of their lives.
If the man or woman in your life is addicted to sex, how can you notice this concern? The individual may have pornographic magazines and movies lying around. He may notice during conversations that you continually seem to focus the conversation on sexual activity or other sexual topics. He or she may be drawn to or point out adult bookstores and movie theaters, strip clubs, and massage parlors. If this person is your partner, you may notice an extreme sexual appetite, either you are constantly asking for sex or you never want to have sex.
2. Mood swings
People struggling with a sex addiction may suddenly begin to act distant and withdrawn as they become more preoccupied with their sexual activity. As the addiction progresses, the addict will deal with shame, guilt, and fear of being found out, leading to mental and physical isolation from those around them. Your work, social circles, families and normal activities will begin to suffer from lack of attention.
The cycle of addiction usually begins with addicts acting out attraction because they are preoccupied with their fantasies. This is followed by the excitement of the sexual ritual or pursuit, the high of acting out (acting out your fantasy), and finally the shame and guilt after the fact. To family and friends, this cycle of sex addiction will seem like depression and mood swings. Many times sex addicts will be tired, sick, and moody due to lack of sleep and the side effects of time spent on their sexual behaviors.
3. Reactionary responses
People dealing with sex addiction go to great lengths to avoid discovery and develop elaborate defenses. If you ask a question about a story you’ve been told, or get too close to the truth, an addict could become very irritated and create an elaborate story, a lie, or just plain denial. A simple question or a seemingly insignificant statement or event could provoke a disproportionate reaction of anger in an addict.
People with sex addiction are not open to constructive criticism and may feel challenged or threatened by increased supervision.
4. Sex Humor
People with sex addiction may use a form of sexual humor most of the time, often joking around or telling sexual jokes. People dealing with this addiction tend to sexualize most situations and find humor in them. If someone in her life is a sex addict, you may notice that he or she often double-hears any statement, a phrase that could have two meanings, one of which is sexual.
Sex jokes can also be used to find new sexual partners. People with sex addiction can see a person’s reaction to hearing her sexual joke and, if the reaction is favorable, they can take the level of sexual commitment a step further.
5. Inappropriate sexual behavior
People with sex addiction are not hard to spot if you know what to look for. They are always telling sex jokes or touching people in a way that doesn’t feel right. They are excessively affectionate and are always looking, especially at attractive people.
Sex addiction is a progressive behavior that increases the longer the disease continues unaided. As time goes by, people dealing with this addiction can be very direct and approach you to talk about sex or invite you home with them. As the disease progresses, the inappropriate behavior will worsen, as will the consequences of that behavior.
If your spouse is addicted, they are likely to become increasingly frustrated with the sexual activity in your marriage/relationship. This could lead to avoiding sex in an attempt to manipulate frustration, or because sexual needs are met outside of marriage. A person with a sex addiction may make more and more demands for sex and certain types of activity or may suddenly not be interested in sex at all.
6. Difficulty of life
As sex addiction progresses, addicts spend more and more time thinking about and trying to get sex. This leaves less time available for all other areas of life, including work, family, friends, sleep, and other obligations. If you start to notice that these activities are being ignored, you can be sure that energy normally spent in these areas is being used elsewhere.
As time passes, there may be job and income losses. Social relationships and friendships that were once important may be compromised. If illegal behavior is involved in the individual’s sex addiction, there may be arrests and jail time.
7. Direct Evidence
Eventually, as the disease progresses, you’ll likely be faced with some kind of direct evidence of the problem. This could come in the form of credit card bills with company names you don’t recognize, phone bills with 900 numbers, pornographic materials, evidence of infidelity, unexplained time away from home or work, night shift work, extended time on a computer with the door closed or locked and so on.
If, after reading the above, you think there is a person in your life who is struggling with sex addiction, there are things you can do to help. Confronting the person, offering help, and taking steps to discourage negative behaviors are ways to manage sex addiction in a friend or loved one.