I recently decided to take transportation into my own hands, so I moved my car to a new garage. I am no longer valet, which means I am responsible for any scratches or dents I find on the car. I’ll know when I hit a pole or hit my shopping cart against the rear bumper. Now I am also responsible for keeping the car clean, both inside and out. So far my car has been washed and stored in a full service garage directly across the street from my building.
Why would he want to get out of the garage, away from this seemingly luxurious situation?
I lost control of the car.
Not in the usual sense, like losing control and going off the road in an accident. No, I lost control of scratches, bumps and teeth. I had no idea what happened to the car after I parked it and drove out of the garage. I never knew if the things I left in it would still be there, in the same place, day after day. I gave my car away every night and they gave it back to me every morning.
Every time I saw a new bump or scratch, or the car wasn’t cleaned to my liking, I blamed someone else and felt bad about it. What seemed like a great situation from the outside really wasn’t working out for me.
I’ve been known to speak up for myself in other situations, so why couldn’t I do it here? I was worried that if I asked about the new scratch on the door, the valet might label me a “complainer”, get mad at me and take even longer next time to bring the car. I was secretly afraid that the nicks and dents on the car were the result of my earlier complaints. I finally decided to take action and move my car to a new garage.
As I parked the car in my new space, I realized how great it felt to have the freedom to choose to move the car, to have my car at my disposal whenever I wanted. No calling ahead, no listing the car on the schedule board, no disappointment or frustration if the car wasn’t ready to go when I was.
What really makes me happy is that I found the place on my own terms. I took my time to find the new place. I watched and waited for signs posted around the neighborhood, news from neighbors that a spot was opening up in a select self-service building. He knew exactly what he wanted. My new place is $70 less a month and I signed a contract that says I can back out of the deal whenever I want. My next step is to purchase a permanent spot in a neighborhood garage, but I’m taking it slowly, one step at a time.
We can do the same for retirement and beyond. Instead of letting the years control you, you can take control of your own future. Instead of letting your health plan tell you which doctor you can or cannot see, or feeling like your kids are (hilariously) making different decisions for you than you’d like, or wishing you’d spoken up in time to say no Whether you want a medical procedure, a certain home health aide or move out of your home, you can take control. You can let your loved ones know your wishes and you don’t have to feel guilty or worried about speaking up.
Retirement and beyond is the longest period of our lives that most of us have no plans for. Sure, many of us retire and age with larger goals in mind. Some go back to school to retrain for a new career, some become master bridge players, some plan to travel around the world, and some spend time with their grandchildren and loved ones.
However, there is something missing. Very few of us prepare or plan for aging, the hard stuff of aging, which is virtually unavoidable as medical advances help us live longer and longer. Some of us think about staying close or getting closer to our loved ones as we get older, but not many of us actually take steps to be closer. Many of us think we’d like to stay home as we age, but few of us have a realistic scenario to pay for the ongoing care needed to stay home.
Many people hope and pray that somehow the period of time in which they will need care and possibly lose independence is short and painless, and they are too scared to think about it, so they don’t. And then, what they fear most happens to them. They find themselves facing health care, financial, and housing decisions at their most vulnerable and feeling out of control, rather than following a roadmap for care that was established with their wishes, hopes, and best interests in mind.
In my fourteen years as a geriatric care manager, I have had the privilege of working with families as they resolve crises and issues of care, long-term housing, and making the end of life meaningful and sacred. It has been a privilege to work with people at this critical time in life. However, when I work with clients who come to me in crisis, I think, what if we had met 10 years earlier and thought and planned what Ms. L would have wanted in this situation? Would she have thought to meet his emotional needs, his need for community and connection? Would she have purchased the best long-term care insurance or would she have discussed her care wishes with her family?
Often when people call me, it’s too late to plan. However, it’s probably not too late for you. I encourage you to take the first step, sit down and talk with your loved ones about your future, think about your needs and mobilize your resources. You can ask me how to do this, and I can help you strategize in a planned way. It can be a long stretch, this stretch and beyond. It will be nice to pull into your own “parking space” and feel like you’ve made good, wise decisions, and you’ll reap the benefits when the time comes.