I often hear wives ask me how husbands really feel about their lovers. I often hear things like, “It’s bad enough that he cheated on me and was in a physical relationship with someone else. But emotional cheating is the hardest thing to accept. Because I don’t think I could handle it if I was in love.” with her.”
Or, “My husband claims he loves his lover. I don’t think this is possible. They haven’t known each other for a long time and she’s not the kind of woman he would find attractive. What the hell has gotten into him? Usually He’s a smart man, but he’s acting so stupid.”
As I’m sure you already suspect, a husband’s feelings for a mistress can be a front. There are many reasons why he may think that he is in love with her. I’ll go over some of these reasons in the next article. And I’ll tell you why I don’t normally buy most of them.
Often the husband wants to love his lover so that his actions are justified: Let’s be honest. Cheating on your spouse is not the behavior that many people are most proud of. is misleading is immature AND indicates that you prefer to go behind someone’s back to solve a problem rather than handle it like an adult. Thus, spouses will often try to convince themselves that the action they took was based on strong, undeniable, and irresistible once-in-a-lifetime feelings.
So a husband will often say to himself, “I didn’t plan on cheating on you. But she’s my soul mate. How am I supposed to turn my back on that?” Because he is looking for a way to justify her actions, he often magnifies how he feels about her. Imagine cheating on her spouse just because he thinks she “likes” someone. This doesn’t make that much sense, does it? So he has to exaggerate her feelings toward himself, the lover, and you until her actions begin to feel justified or seem to make some sense.
A man may think he loves his lover, but what he really loves is the way she makes him feel about himself: A husband may look you right in the eye and tell you that the lover “understands.” she “gets” it or “appreciates” it in a way that you don’t. Of course you would like to believe this. Because often, she tells him that he is wonderful, exciting, and that he does nothing wrong. Who wouldn’t respond to that?
He doesn’t see the man cutting his nose hairs in the sink or leaving his underwear on the bathroom floor. It’s easy for her to be “interested” in him because she’s not seeing the real him. Over time, this changes. But at first, his attention and feedback probably makes you feel valued, exciting, and unique. It’s not her he loves. What he loves is how safe and alive it makes him feel to be with her.
The problem is that none of this is based on any form of reality. Eventually, she too will see her flaws and eventually she too will turn her attention to real life. But in the meantime, he can tell you that he’s “in love” with her, but know that what he really loves about her is how she makes him feel.
So where does that leave you? Well, knowledge can be power. Eventually she will have to pick up those dirty socks or deal with her other problems and all that excitement and energy will start to fade. And when she does, the feelings will follow. And suddenly, along with her disappointment, she too will see those loving feelings begin to reveal themselves for what they really are. An affair usually stems from some personal crisis or self-esteem issue. He usually doesn’t do anything (other than having an affair) to address this. These issues will eventually affect the affair the same way they affected the marriage.
It is very unlikely to find a soul mate within a sea of deception: When men claim that the mistress is their “soul mate,” you have to wonder what their logic is. A relationship based on lies, deception and imagination is usually doomed to failure. How are they going to have a relationship based on trust, mutual respect and admiration when you consider how their relationship started?
A loving and healthy relationship is based on history, honesty, transparency and sticking it out for a long time. The lady has none of these things on her part. Sure, at first it may all seem bright and exciting, but it can’t last and usually doesn’t. As these two come back to reality, what is real in that relationship will usually be revealed. And when she does, so do the feelings behind it.
Often only then a man will realize that he does not love the mistress at all. He maybe he thought so. He maybe he loved how the relationship made him feel. Perhaps the feelings were intensified due to the risk and the sense of urgency. But usually it’s all a facade in the end. I’m not saying that husband and lover never make it in a long-term relationship. This happens from time to time. But it seems to me that this is the exception and not the rule.
In the end, they usually have too many factors stacked against them. And once they get back to real life, this will usually become quite apparent.