I often write about surviving and thriving after an affair with my husband, based on research and my own personal experience. Most of the time, I am contacted by women whose husbands have cheated on me, but I am also contacted by repentant husbands more often than you think. Husbands often want advice on what they can do to help their wives heal and save their marriage.
Many wives ask for information about how their husbands feel after the affair. Common questions are things like: “Is he really sorry or is he just sorry he got caught?” or “I think he’s just saying anything right now to get off the hook. I don’t believe anything that comes out of his mouth,” or “He says he still finds me attractive, but I don’t believe him,” or “He’s just telling me what I want to hear.” In this article, I will tell you what men tell me about how they really feel after an affair.
What the statistics tell us about a husband’s feelings after an affair: There is a well-known infidelity study that indicates that the vast majority of men (over 90%) deeply regret the affair and wish it had never happened. Often they don’t take the time to really think about the deception, they hope you don’t find out, and they are devastated once they realize there is no way to correct this mistake.
Men often cheat as a way to regain their self-confidence, feelings of youth and competence, or as a way to get the attention and appreciation they feel they lack. Obviously, a better way to handle this is to ask your wife for these things. But, as crazy as it sounds, some men don’t have this kind of logical thought process. They are capable of compartmentalizing their marriage and affair and will often justify it, thinking that they are solving problems on their own without having to worry about them. (Yes, this is kind of ridiculous, but this is their thought process.)
How men feel after their wives find out about it: Once you find out about the affair, true despair, sadness, and remorse begin to set in. The self-esteem that the husband was trying to restore is now at an all time low and it becomes obvious that this plan was seriously flawed. Husbands are often desperately sorry and absolutely willing to do anything to make it up to their wives, only to find themselves caught in the middle of a bad situation. Many of them will tell me “no matter what I do, it’s wrong. If I try to offer my wife affection and reassurance, she sees me as a sex-hungry pervert, but if I walk away and let her take the intuitive, she thinks that I no longer find her desirable.”
Now, this may not be a problem if the affair was a deal breaker for you and you are going to leave the marriage anyway. But, if you want to save the marriage, you will have to be able to move past these negative feelings and create new positive feelings based on forgiveness, openness, and improvements.
One thing that can really help with this is being honest with yourself and then with your husband. If you need him to hand over his passwords and cell phone registrations, or check in during the day, let him know. If you want her tranquility and affection, tell her. If you prefer him not to float and give you space, you should know that he cannot read your mind. To truly heal, you need to get what you want and need. And, very often, a husband is willing to do almost anything to help you achieve this. But he can’t do this if you don’t tell him what this is.
Overcome self-esteem issues: Many people understand that the wife who was cheated on will have self-esteem issues that can really sabotage the marriage. This will have to be addressed. Because you probably never believe that your husband still loves you and she finds you attractive if you can’t believe this about yourself.
But many people overlook the effect on a husband’s self-esteem. Suddenly, overnight, she has become the second-class citizen in the marriage. Do not misunderstand. He deserves this title. But keep in mind that she likely suffered from low self-esteem, which contributed to the affair, making the marriage even more vulnerable. In no way am I saying that you should set him free. You shouldn’t. I just stick with it being very important that you both be very aware of why the affair happened and that you both address any self-esteem issues that occur afterwards so that you can move on.