I am a stepfather and have been for almost 24 years. When I married my husband, he was the custodial father of his twin sons, who were 5 years old at the time. I had no children of my own. Our first child arrived when the children were 8 years old. I quickly learned that being a stepfather is very different from being a biological father. If I were to summarize what I know are important factors in establishing a positive relationship with your stepchildren, I would say:
1. Allow plenty of opportunities for your partner to spend time alone with your children. Support the relationship that was established long before you arrived.
2. Be sensitive to what your stepchildren are going through and don’t take things personally. Read books on how to become a successful stepfather.
3. Keep in mind that each age will adapt differently to a stepfather or stepmother. Teens will take much longer to accept you than very young children.
4. Show respect for the other parent. If your partner is attacking their ex-spouse, you don’t have to agree. It will not improve your relationship with your stepchildren.
5. Parenting someone else’s children can be very stressful. Make sure you take time for yourself by doing things that make you feel good.
6. Keep in mind that these are not your children and that the job of disciplining and setting rules is primarily up to the birth parents. You may not agree with your parenting style, but it is not your place to try to change things.
7. Attend a blended family or stepparent support group. You will appreciate the support and will soon discover that the problems you are dealing with are similar to those others are going through. You will also get helpful tips.