Dear Dr J,
It is not that unusual for our sixteen year old daughter to come home after midnight and sometimes we fall asleep before she gets home. Last week we woke up in the morning and Lisa wasn’t in her bed.
My husband and I panicked! We called all of Lisa’s friends that we knew and no one knew where she was. Then we called the police and all the local hospitals. He was sure she was dead or at least seriously injured or something. I didn’t know what to think and my mind was racing to all the terrible possibilities. We were driving around the city looking for her when she called us on her cell phone from her house.
When we got there, I lost it. I couldn’t stop yelling at him! She later came to see me (when she had calmed me down) and she told me that she had fallen asleep at her boyfriend’s house (he is 17 years old). She didn’t even know that she was dating someone. Now I have found out that she is sleeping with a guy! I don’t know what to do.
Joyce
Dear Joyce
Part of your response is surprise and dismay that your 16-year-old son is acting in a way that seems very different from what you expect or want. It can be tempting to try to control it.
sexual activity by punishing her or punishing her in some way, but that usually doesn’t work. Teenagers who are forbidden to see their “love” often rebel completely. Many of them choose dishonesty and subterfuge to prevent their parents from finding out that they are having sex.
This is confusing because if you want your daughter to exercise restraint, but you don’t want her to start lying and sneaking around, what do you do? Ground rules such as limits on where
boyfriends can be, curfew times and keeping open communication about your relationships are helpful. However, along with “house rules,” many parents would like to set limits on their teen’s sexual experiences. That’s a little harder to do.
Sexual experimentation is normal during adolescence. What bothers parents is that the progression of teenage relationships seems so different. The time between first kiss and intercourse seems to have decreased dramatically, and this is unsettling for most parents. It’s helpful to remember that teens have their own concerns about sexuality. They are aware and concerned about pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, broken hearts, and bad reputations.
The best advice I can give you is to remember that if teens want to have sex, they will find a way to do it. What you want to do is guide your daughter about the meaning
sexual sharing with her boyfriend, safe sex, and birth control. Talk to her about what it means to her to have sex with her boyfriend at this age. Be sure to listen. At 16, this relationship certainly won’t be permanent, so talk to her about how many guys she thinks it’s appropriate for her to have sex with. Validate her feelings and try to take every opportunity you can to guide her.
Even if she’s not having sex, it’s important to meet the boyfriend she hasn’t told you about. Invite him over to her house and make sure he’s welcome to spend time there.
If they’re not in your house (supervised), they’ll be somewhere else (unsupervised). If you are willing to meet him, hopefully you will have a lot more influence over them and be able to talk to them about your relationship. I hope she is someone you approve of because if she becomes “the enemy” you will have missed the opportunity to have a direct connection to your daughter’s new relationship. Stay connected.
dr j