(First posted @GoodMenProject, Aug 6, 2018)
In the spirit of the current age, the men seem trapped in a Catch-22. They are doomed no matter which direction they take. Despite that, they must somehow define themselves and shape their personality, mind, career and life in a dangerously complicated world.
Many men feel caught up in a maelstrom of conflicting messages, demands, theories, stories, censorship and praise. Imagine what it is like for a married man, in front of his family and the world, to finally reveal what he really is: gay.
We don’t usually hear stories about such situations. If we do, the news becomes a prominent event. It is struck under the critical eye of public disdain, disbelief, fear, praise and even amusement.
For the husband who reveals his true sexuality, it can be a new level of hell, one that could bring about the downfall of his family, career, and aspirations. On the other hand, the revelation will bring a new level of balance, freedom and authenticity within himself.
A man in this position must ask himself if it’s worth coming out of the closet.
In this process, the husband is forced to reassess who he is, his place in the world, and what his sense of self-esteem, self-worth, and identity are based on. He will wonder if he is still a man, if others will still treat him as such. He will wonder if he will be judged inferior, flawed, weak, or unsuccessful. His family, relatives, co-workers, sports team members, and church will speculate that he is just exploring, that he was coerced by some deviant, or possibly possessed.
The love, acceptance and inclusion of spouse, children and relatives will be questioned. Can I love a gay man? Can we still be a family? Will you still be my dad? You still love me? did you ever love me
Outside of the family, all of the husband’s relationships will be under scrutiny as he wonders if he will be loved and accepted or tolerated, despised and rejected. To some people, she will be a heroic role model; for others, a monstrous pervert.
By revealing that he is gay, some people will inexplicably determine that he is a pedophile and assume that he has sexually abused their sons. To those people, a father who sexually abuses his daughter is considered reprehensible, but a gay father who sexually abuses his son doesn’t have a word hellish enough to describe him and his actions.
The emotional response of spouse, family, and others will sometimes seem disconcertingly unreasonable, all based on fear, superstition, fictions, outdated understandings, and deliberate misinformation. Instead, the husband/father may be surrounded by unconditional compassion, love, understanding, acceptance, and factual information.
Simply put, it’s a real roller coaster ride for a married man coming out. You will swing like a pendulum through a variety of emotions. One day he will fly high with renewed vigor and hope. The next day, he was going through a quagmire of pain and despair.
Coming out of the closet, your hope will be that your family relationships remain intact. His perspective is that he hasn’t changed who he is in essence, just who he prefers to be intimate with. He often still loves his wife and children and wants them to continue to be an integral part of his life.
However, your loved ones will be looking at you through a new lens.
wondering who he really is.
What they know is that they have been related.
They will experience their own variety of feelings: doubt, confusion, disappointment, disbelief, humiliation, rejection, resentment, abandonment, self-recrimination, regret, shame, guilt, hurt, loss, fear, contempt, and/or outright hatred.
The emotional terrain traversed by the husband and everyone in his life will be filled with landmines and heartaches, as well as moments of beauty and inspiration. Why would a man choose to walk out knowing what awaits him, especially in the current climate of attacks on the LGBTQ community, from beatings and murders to political-religious actions aimed at destroying LGBTQ civil rights and institutionalizing discrimination?
The answer is authenticity, truth, honesty and freedom.
An article on The Good Men Project website titled “What We Talk About When We Talk About Men: The Top 12 Issues Facing Men Today”, Jul 18, 2018, provides insight into the complex matrix men struggle to understand , survive and thrive. in:
1. Unrealistic and stereotypical portrayals of men in media and culture
2. Raising children today
3. The availability of men and boys
4. Fight racism, sexism, homophobia and Man-Box
5. Parenting, housewives and paternity leave
6. The LGBT movement and the expansion of gender and sexuality
7. Relationships of all kinds
8. Men, money and the pressure to succeed financially
9. Sport as a lens of culture and masculinity
10. The prison industrial complex
11. The young and the old, the strong and the weak
12. Helping to solve the biggest problems in the world today.
This is the zeitgeist in which men live today. Despite the confusion and overwhelm inherent in the list above, men still seek to be accepted, understood, and loved. Deep in their hearts, they search for authenticity, truth, honesty, and freedom. It is an unconscious impulse, an imperative that needs response and compliance.
What every man intrinsically knows in the depths of his heart
is that the greatest gift you can give to the world
it is the free and truest essence of itself–the greatest search of his life.
How a man can live his true essence is the challenge that is presented. Life offers an endless variety of distractions, obstacles, trials, burdens, and stimuli. Meanwhile, he is strongly encouraged to be responsible, strong, unwavering, mature, and a thousand other qualities. It’s easy to get caught up and get lost in it all, assailed by the conventions, lawsuits, entertainments, conflicts, and frantic pandemonium of mankind.
Married men who are gay and who want to step into the fullness of their authentic selves carry a tremendous burden, one of repressed truth, deception disguised as honesty, and their true identity shrouded in fear, shame, and guilt. Along with all the other socio-cultural pressures placed on them, this issue carries the most weight and has the greatest potential for loss. It feels like the proverbial nail in the coffin of a man’s spirit, but that doesn’t have to be the story anymore.
The key is for a man to reveal and flourish in the truest essence of himself, which is found only by going to the depths of his being, the immensity of his heart and soul. It is a daily conscious contemplation to reveal his true self completely independent of the requirements of the outside world. It is learning to listen to his inner voice instead of relying solely on his mental abilities, education, life experiences, and worldly influences. It is surrendering to the greater, more expansive, welcoming, nobler and more compassionate being of him.
Men are multidimensional, multifaceted, multicolored.
For married men coming out, it’s their chance to let go of a lifetime of wishful thinking, delusions, deception, and a double life so they can be themselves and shine.
“Be true to yourself,
and it must go on, like night to day,
You can’t be fake with any man.”
-William Shakespeare