Sex always seems to be a dilemma for many women, in part due to social dictates that see sexual women as contrary to the norm (which couldn’t be further from the truth). You know the saying: if he can get the milk for free, why buy the cow? I’ll discuss this in general terms first before delving into the topic of sex during the reconnection phase with your ex.
Do you know the rule of not having sex with a guy until the third or fifth date (or put the number here)? I just don’t seem to care. Actually, the last 2 long-term relationships I’ve been in, including the one I had with my husband (9 years and 8 years), we had sex the first time we met. So I’m not sure about that rule.
I have always had a strong connection with guys with whom the physical attraction was so instantaneous and usually turned into something more than sexual (some of them became my very good friends). I think as long as you’re confident and value yourself, men can feel it and it doesn’t take away your attraction one bit just because you’ve had sex with them. With me it is always the other way around, they are attracted to me precisely because of my strong sexuality, among other things. If the chemistry is strong, no matter what date you have sex with them, they will want to be with you anyway. And the other way around, if he feels lukewarm around you, even after waiting to have sex, he will eventually pull away.
I’m not advocating being promiscuous. I’m just saying that sex can mean different things to different people, and depending on the circumstances it may or may not help. I just don’t see it being a big factor in men choosing to seek you out, although a lot of people seem to think so. Not the case in my experience. Just do what is comfortable/right for you. And maybe in the end, it comes down to whether or not you want to be with a guy who thinks negatively about a sexual woman like that. I won’t be attracted to him in the first place, I think.
It may not work for all women, but relaxing with sex works for me. And as such, I’m not fixing things that aren’t broken. I’m following my gut when it comes to this. The key is not to expect a relationship just because you’ve had sex with him. I never did and as such men stay if I let them. I had sex because I wanted to and it organically blossomed into something deep. And it’s not hard for me because “love at first sight” doesn’t work for me. It takes me a while to feel for someone and after a lot of sex :D.
I think the difference is whether or not you’re comfortable with your own sexuality. And I always have. I wasn’t expecting a relationship just because we’ve had sex (strictly sexual relationships are often fun and worthwhile on their own). A few that he had no intention of seeing again after that unique sex. Other times it was the guy who wanted to talk to me seriously while I wasn’t interested (yes, the situation is sometimes reversed, believe it or not).
Many women become too emotionally intense after sex; that’s what scares men. If you continue to have sex with a guy without the burden of having to commit soon, a deeper connection may occur. Like I said, some of my best male friends are my former sexual partners. Men bond through sex, while women generally need to feel close to have sex. And it explains why a deeper connection can happen after a casual relationship.
I tend to look for something that grows organically. When it happens, it happens. When it doesn’t, well…then move on to greener grass. My experience has been that if you have strong chemistry with a man, he won’t stop seeing you just because you had sex on the first date. I believe that the ability to relax and enjoy sex just for the sensual pleasure it actually provides projects an alluring appeal of a Goddess to many men. They find him incredibly sexy and powerful.
I think both ways can work depending on your attitude and personality. If you’re not sure, don’t do it because it will show. Waiting may be the best for you. But with me, without sounding too boastful, I feel that my sexuality has always been the main factor that attracts men to me. And no, I don’t mean “trying too hard to be sexy/seductive.” It’s just part of the “whole package” with me. In fact, my husband loves that sexual part of me very much. He finds it so exciting. That’s how it works for me!
Of course, I don’t immediately have sex with every man I’ve met or dated. Many I never did and never will.
I think the problem is that a lot of women anticipate themselves, like if you have sex with him, it’s necessarily because you want to be with him and he might reject you. No, you can’t sell yourself like that. You own your sexuality, you can also decide… not only him. And I’ve proven that having sex after a certain number of dates has nothing to do with it, whether it’s after you or not. I also had to turn them down because he wasn’t interested in anything more than a casual relationship.
Like I said, if you’re not comfortable with that, then don’t do it. If you want to wait because it’s okay with you, of course you do, then you have to wait. I fully understand why you feel this way. And you absolutely have to respect that. In the recent past, I’ve dated a guy 4 or 5 times and never had sex with him. Women have the first word when we want to have sex, so the power is with us. And he can’t take that power away from us unless we let him.
But my last 2 long-term relationships are proof enough that the “golden rule” is not an absolute. I have known other couples who also had sex right away. So I guess what I want you to understand is: don’t delay sex just because you think it will make him want to commit to you. Do it because you feel that it is safer for you emotionally.
Another argument is that because men are hunters, it’s attractive for them to be challenged to prove themselves worthy of sleeping with you, which is valid enough other than, again, there’s no guarantee he’ll keep chasing you once he’s done. complete the waiting period. How many men disappear from a woman’s life after waiting so long to have sex?
When you feel good, sex can only help. When he’s not feeling well, no amount of sex or lack of it would make him want to pursue you. So I don’t think we can generalize one way or the other. And, in fact, a guy also gets to know you more when you’re watching him, with or without sex… and those other things BESIDES SEX that will make them feel attracted to you and want to be with you. You need to have that “je ne sais quois” for him to want to chase you (which is different with every man), and remember it works the other way around too! Waiting to have sex is only important when you feel it is important.
Only my .02 is worth it.
Now, in reconciliation, I think that depending on your circumstances (nature of the relationship/breakup and your ex’s personality/history), sex can help: it recreates the bond between you and your man. It will become a problem when you feel that sex is serving him more than you, and when that happens, it is highly recommended that you stop all sexual contacts. Then maybe it’s time to set a deadline – some men need that because when they’re comfortable with a fix, they’re not motivated to make a move/change.
So yes, a strategy is needed to reconcile with your ex. It’s a delicate balance that you have to navigate, especially when you have to control your own emotions.
The important part is to keep the drama to a minimum. However, a little bit of plot is good, because it shows that a relationship is real and, in fact, animates it too. Avoiding conflict altogether will only create a ticking time bomb and is not recommended. It’s about training your man on what works for you and what doesn’t. Remember, even if you are the one who seems most eager to reconcile, you need to set the tone of the relationship so that it works better for both of you the second time.