What is retroactive jealousy?
Retroactive jealousy – ‘Retro’ meaning backwards in Latin, ‘active’ meaning present tense – is the imaginative conjuration or reconstruction of sexual infidelity involving our partner as the focal point. For example, imagine a sexual activity of our partner with an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend, a one-night stand from their past, or a real event in which the partner has been unfaithful. These thoughts then become compulsively obsessed with causing the person thinking about them to suffer varying degrees of psychological trauma. During my research, I found that it was common for people who suffered from retroactive jealousy to also suffer from spontaneous “imagination scenario” jealousy, a graphic imaginative scenario that portrays our darkest fears regarding emotional and sexual attachment. Intrusive thoughts are normal for a human being as they belong to the rationalization process, however, people with retroactive jealousy become obsessed with these thoughts and confuse the body into thinking that the scenario/situation is real. This is a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) that can be difficult to tackle alone.
Many people who suffer from Retroactive Jealousy live feeling isolated with their hurtful thoughts that in most cases lead the body to a depressive state. It is a shameful and dignity-destroying psychological nightmare that takes place in the minds of the most unfortunate people. Retroactive jealousy can kick in at any time, either triggered by a “reminder” or warded off from a little moment of inactivity. You can change a person’s day from happy, positive and bright to helpless, depressed and tired. It can lead to resentment of a partner, to looking at them in a different light, and perhaps more profoundly destroys one’s self-esteem.
Why are people retroactively jealous?
There is no simple answer to this because obsessive and compulsive thoughts can stem from a variety of biological and environmental factors. If you browse the web, you will see various articles with different arguments, definitions, and descriptions of why people get saddled with retroactive jealousy. To quickly summarize, these include:
- Low self-esteem: the way we think of ourselves leads us to punish ourselves with graphic and distressing thoughts.
- Views of the Opposite Sex: Outdated and irrational views of the inferiority of the opposite sex.
- biological inheritance. A pre-instinctive thought that has been genetically encoded within our DNA.
- Trust issues: the ability to trust another person.
- General views of Sex
- Sexual inferiority: not feeling good enough intimately or feeling ashamed because you have had fewer sexual partners.
The Do’s and Don’ts of Retroactive Jealousy
TO DO:
Realize that you are not alone with this problem. It CAN be tackled but not on its own!
Realize that retroactive jealousy is IRRATIONAL.
Think before telling your partner in the best possible way about your problem. It is a sensitive subject and can offend if not done correctly.
Seek medical advice and discuss the problem with your general practitioner (GP). There are many options available to you. These options include cognitive behavioral therapy, psychotherapy, antidepressants, hypnotherapy, and counseling.
· Maintain a balanced and maintained lifestyle. Eat healthy foods, exercise, and maintain a good social lifestyle.
· Stay busy doing things you enjoy and setting personal, achievable goals.
Choose to accept your partner as a human being who is on a similar journey to yours.
WHOSE:
· Try to solve it yourself. This can backfire as your body feeds off the obsession.
· Deceive yourself into thinking it’s your partner’s fault. The problem is within you and running away from the problem will not achieve anything. (in some cases where the partner has cheated, this needs to be approached in a different way)
· You resent your partner for their past actions. This makes things worse and is irrational.
· Substance abuse to tackle your problem. This is simply hidden from him. Depressants such as alcohol, illegal stimulants, and hallucinogenic drugs may offer short-term relief, but they actually create a snowball effect that makes the problem worse.
· Think negatively of yourself for having this problem.
Dive into a bad diet and routine. If intrusive thoughts cause anxiety, stay away from high amounts of caffeine and natural stimulants.
· Be afraid to speak.