There was a period in our recent history when death was moved out of the home to hospitals and funeral homes. Miracle drugs were invented, so people went to the hospital to live, even when those miracle drugs weren’t going to cure what was ultimately ailing people. But unrealistic hopes of postponing and preventing death in the long term began to emerge. You wanted to go where people could do more for you, even when less extraordinary measures could have been kinder. It was not (and sometimes still is not) easy to find a place to stand at the bedside in hospitals and nursing homes. Therefore, people often slide to their deaths in rather sanitized environments without the comfort of their families.
But now the pendulum is slowly swinging back to include bedside vigils, whether in hospitals, nursing homes, hospice facilities, or in the safe familiarity of your own home. Now our problem is that we’re a couple of generations away from knowing what to do while keeping the dying company.
It’s an incredible privilege to be with people, to watch over them as they die. Sometimes it is also terrifying because the dying process is under control and you are there only as a witness and comforter. Things don’t go faster because they’re hard to see and we want the end. They don’t slow down because we are reluctant to let our loved one die.
Here are some simple things that, if you can focus on them, will sustain you and comfort your loved one as he or she walks out of life.
- Presence: This is the sweetest gift. Just be there. Whether you are a family gathered around the bed quietly swapping stories, laughing, singing, praying or just witnessing by being there. You can read a favorite book or psalm, sing a favorite hymn, or tell them how important they have been in your life. People have said that it is helpful to talk about the people they know who have already left life, even to give a message to someone who is already on the other side. It can ease your step. But remember, the bed of someone who is dying is no place for family tension. Take it outside or set it aside, really aside, and be there for your loved one, for death, and for each other.
- Comfort: Make sure your loved one is comfortable. You know pretty quickly if they’re agitated. There is no reason for the last hours of a person’s life to be marked by pain or discomfort. The hospice movement has come a long way and works to ensure peace for people. It can be frustrating if you’re not home and have to chase people around to give them medicine, change positions, or find more or less blankets. But it’s one of the sweetest gifts you’ll ever give. Dying is very hard work. You can help in this way.
- Sound: Sound is apparently the last sense we lose. So put on some music. Sing. Tell stories. Tell him or her how much you love them. Tell them about her grandchildren. Keep it quiet: you don’t want to bind them to this world, but you do want to assure them that life goes on.
- open hands: This may be your most difficult task. You want people to know that it’s okay to be dumped. And you have to let it be. When someone is ready to die, that’s it. Asking them to stay longer is selfish. One of the greatest gifts of love is to love them to the next world.
People were shocked when I wrote about my mother’s death and described it as labor. But it was that. Dying is often difficult. Our bodies are built to prolong life and our instinct is for life. Lots of people work to death. His death is an amazing relief and release. It’s a kind of birth, regardless of what you believe about the afterlife. And to all the skeptics out there, I have to say that I have never been with a dying person who didn’t relax to death with a peaceful expression on their face. It’s actually very comforting, which you don’t know unless you stay the course.
All this said, some people cannot die with their loved ones in the room. They wait until we sneak out to eat something, get some fresh air, or go to the bathroom. Many people see this as a failure on your part, but it is often just a sign of the depth of the bonds between you. Sometimes love binds the heart long after the body is truly capable of sustaining life. Be open to the process. Do what you can, that’s all you can ask of yourself. Whichever way it unfolds, your vigil is a wonderful gift to yourself and your loved one through death and death. Your love for them and theirs for you will sustain you now and when they are gone from this realm.