With the current interest in mental health issues, a language of mental health has emerged with words like manipulation, boundaries, boundaries, rescue, dependency, and codependency. Many people are unclear on what these words mean when applied to relationships. I’d like to clarify a bit about one of these terms, MANIPULATION, and how it relates to the other terms mentioned above. Webster’s New World Dictionary defines manipulation as:
“cunningly managing or controlling or through the cunning use of influence, often unfairly or fraudulently, to alter or misrepresent for one’s own purpose.”
In relationships, manipulation can be defined as:
any attempt to control, through coercion (overt or covert), the thoughts, feelings, or behavior of another person.
From this definition, manipulation would appear to have no advantages. However, if you are codependent and defined by others, there can be many advantages. When you allow others to control your thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and make decisions for you,
— you don’t have to think for yourself;
— can avoid taking risks and making difficult decisions;
— can avoid taking a position on controversial issues;
— you can avoid feeling responsible for negative results;
— you can blame others when things go wrong;
— you can believe, when others tell you how to behave, what to think, how to feel and what to decide, that you are “being loved” because “they want the best for you”;
— you can avoid feeling separate and lonely by avoiding conflict;
— can avoid the hard work of emotional growth and development.
To appreciate the advantages of not being manipulated is to accept the hard work of living and interacting with others. It is about being willing to grow and develop emotionally. These advantages may be
— you learn to know who you are, what you like, what you think and how you feel;
— you learn to make difficult decisions;
— you can take credit for your decisions;
— you learn to manage risks and uncertainty;
— you learn to handle differences and conflicts;
— you can be in control of your life and know the freedom of personal self-sufficiency;
— you come to have a greater sense of self-worth by feeling competent and able to take responsibility for your life and personal happiness.
Manipulation is generally attempted using power, unsolicited help, ransom, guilt, weakness, and/or dependency, to achieve the desired result. For example,
1) Power: intimidation or physical, verbal and intellectual threats, humiliation, contempt, withholding necessary or desired things. The goal is to be in a “one up, I’m right and you’re wrong” position;
2) Unsolicited help/rescue: doing things for others when they don’t ask for it, don’t want it or don’t need it; Help others get into debt, compromise, and owe you. The goal is to be in the position “after all I’ve done for you, and now you owe me”;
3) Blame – shaming, scolding, blaming others, trying to hold others accountable, trying to collect on past favors. The goal is to be in the position of “it’s all your fault” or “after everything I’ve done for you and now you treat me like this”;
4) Weakness/dependence: being (or threatening to become) helpless, needy, fearful, sick, depressed, incompetent, suicidal. The objective is to confuse want with need, with the message “if you don’t take care of me, something bad will happen and it will all be your fault”.
With manipulation, there is a physical and emotional response, such as an increased level of anxiety or irritation, even if it is not perceived as such.
Manipulation feels like a fight or a contest, not free communication. The reason is that the manipulator is always interested in the outcome of a situation.
This is where limits differ from manipulation. Boundaries (or boundaries) are statements about our values and our position on issues. True limits are not threats or making the other person do what we want. The true limits are not compromised by another’s response.
For example, you discover that your spouse has lied to you and has racked up a large gambling debt. He discovers the problem by chance, gets financial and professional help, and gets back on track. However, there are new signs of trouble. It’s time for some tough decisions.
– What is your end result?
– What will you tolerate?
– What manipulation tactics do you use to change your spouse’s behavior: constantly controlling him, watching him, never leaving him alone, hiding credit cards, lying to creditors, parents and children? – How much ransom, blame, power plays, threats and protection do you throw at the player?
– At what point do you stop trying to change their behavior and let them know your bottom line?
You can’t make them do or stop doing anything. You can only let them know where you stand and what you are willing to do to protect yourself and those you are responsible for.
The problem with loud, threatening end results is that they keep getting louder, more threatening, and redraw more and more.
We tend to determine our position and action by what the other person does, rather than stating our true position and then responding accordingly. This is the time to make difficult decisions and actions.
In another example, a friend asks you to drive her to work because she is having car trouble. This is the time to establish ground rules, such as how long she will need her help, pick up times, cost sharing, days off, etc. A boundary or limit is established when you clearly let your friend know what you are willing to do and what you are not.
Problems arise: he often does not arrive on time in the morning and in the evening. Do you wait and be late, or leave her? Your car has been in the shop for six weeks because you can’t afford to take it out. She hasn’t offered to help with the expenses, nor does she seem concerned about the arrangement.
Your friend is using the weakness to manipulate and depend on you. She has transferred her problem to you and you have accepted it, rescuing and not setting borders or limits to your participation in her problem. If you refuse to wait when she is late and she gets into trouble as a result, she will blame you and try to make you feel guilty. What we really want is for others to be responsible and play fair; however, when they don’t, we have to set limits or feel manipulated and victimized with the trade-offs that come with them.
Finally, we often confuse UNDERSTANDING with AGREEMENT.
This is when people confuse their decisions with wanting the recipient of a decision to like or agree with it. When we make decisions that go against the wishes of others, there is a cost. We typically try to minimize that cost by explaining, in exhaustive detail, our rationale for that decision, somehow thinking that if they could understand our position, they would agree.
Applying that scenario to parent and child: If a parent makes a decision based on the best interest of the child, it should be made separately from whether the child will like it. When a child knows that it is important to the parents that they be happy with a decision, it is never in the child’s personal interest to be happy with an unwanted decision. If a child knows that her happiness with a parent’s decision is of equal importance to the decision itself, then all a child has to do is be unhappy to make her parents uncomfortable and doubtful. her decision; after all, it’s always worth it. a try. This same dynamic can also be applied to interactions between adults.
How do we manage manipulation? By becoming more aware of our interaction with others.
- Is the interaction an attempt to communicate or does it feel like a contest?
- Are you starting to feel anxious or irritable?
- Do you want to leave the conversation?
- Does the interaction fit into a manipulative style?
- Is there an attempt to use power, service, guilt, or weakness to gain your cooperation?
- Are you a willing participant in your own manipulation?
- Is it easier not to take responsibility?
- Are you trying to manipulate others instead of setting clear boundaries?
- Are you making a distinction between a value and a preference?
Preferences can be negotiated, but values cannot.
Our society does not deal well with differences in values and preferences. We tend to take it as a personal affront and insult when others disagree with us. We will avoid conflict at all costs, because it feels like rejection. What we need is to communicate to others, clearly and calmly, our values, preferences and limits. We need to be respectful and dedicated to listening, hearing, and appreciating, if not understanding, how we are all different.