What I am going to say goes against what most people on this planet believe, but it is true: The only way to enjoy full, lasting, and satisfying joy is to love and focus on others. instead of being selfish and doing things ‘our way’. This is a spiritual truism about which millions have found transcendence-the pinnacle of human existence.
When we seek things for ourselves that should not rightfully be ours, we can wreak havoc on the lives of those close to us. I saw a movie recently that illustrates the point well. “U background kiss…” is a title after a poem by Robert Burns “A loving kiss, and then we’ll cut…”
The film’s plot involves a Glasgow Muslim man (Casim) of Pakistani descent and an Irish-born music teacher (Roisin). They fall in love with each other. However, Casim is set to get married in 2 months and the passion-soaked relationship hits rocky ground. Throughout the film, the unequal relationship between Casim and Roisin ruins many people’s lives, cultural traditions, and family relationships. Casim’s parents would never accept a “goree” (a white girl) and he knows it, aside from the fact that breaking up the impending marriage casts disgrace on the family name within the nearby Islamic family community.
As the story progresses and the lovers get into more trouble; lies and deception rule them more and more, from Roisin having to duck in the car as they drive past Casim’s cousin’s store, to going on vacation together without anyone else knowing: ironically, Casim tells her for the first time tell Roisin that he is going to be married in nine weeks.
Meanwhile, Casim’s faithful father, Tariq, is busy building extensions to the family home to accommodate Casim and his future wife, cousin Jasmine. He offers his son whatever he can afford at home. What also complicates the family problem is that Casim’s two sisters have problems of their own; the youngest is quite determined not to become a doctor as her parents wish, but to leave Glasgow and study journalism in Edinburgh. Her acceptance to the university there is met with disdain and, in light of all these problems, she completely breaks her father. He sees everything he values in jeopardy.
Roisin’s eyesight is predictable. She is almost justifiably very upset at the prospect of being ‘abandoned’ by Casim’s cousin and fights for him, putting even more pressure on the hugely tenuous issue – she has no control over the seriousness of the situation and can only think of herself. . Casim wants what he wants and the rest is history. It’s a family disaster zone! It is a clash of cultures with the West morally crushing the East.
It made me shiver to think that a silly meeting of love (or “lust”) made so many lives miserable, this included ‘the happy couple’. This kind of thing crushes lives today, as today’s (and yesterday’s) generation could take responsibility for ‘fighting for their freedom’. What freedom? Freedom at the expense of of those who love and sacrifice a lot for them! This kind of freedom comes at such a time tall Y lasting cost, but those in the middle of the problem, the Casim and the Roisin, just don’t see it. The cost is high: relationships made with blood are changed and marred forever. Entire families are spiritually destroyed. The cost is lasting; once the writing is done, it can never be corrected again. The damage is done. It is a real life tragedy that happens every day many times all over the world, and this is just the example of culture shock.
Countless potential relationships and those involving children are broken every day, because of selfishness and the sin of lust. A loving kiss, and then we’ll part… he is frightened by danger. A silly moment, followed by selfish pride in not wanting to deal with the pain of the problem, she sees not just two lives shattered but an entire family. This is the opposite of the true meaning of “joy.”
Going back to the original “plot” of this story, joy is the result of true humility, which could be described as disinterest. I love the way the apostle Paul puts it:
“Therefore, if you have any encouragement to be united to Christ, if you have any comfort from his love, if any common fellowship in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then complete my joy by being alike, having the same love, being one in spirit and of the same mind, do not do anything out of selfish ambition or vainglory, rather, with humility, value others above yourselves, without looking out for your own interest. [alone] but each one of you to the interests of others”.[1]
Whether you are a Christian or not, the truth is the same. If you get something out of love, be sure to give something back. The essence of joy is in the focus, not on ourselves, but on a shift towards others. If Casim had thought of this before getting involved with Roisin, he might have had a respectful approach to her and left it at that, knowing the potential harm that awaited both of them if they got involved together. In this sense, joy is being in control of oneself and not having to deal with the guilt of destroying family relationships. The “real obstacle to unity is… self-centeredness,”[2] and wanting to get away with isolating yourself from the needs of others. Self-centeredness in this way is therefore weak; it is without resolution. The ‘unity in community’ is a truth that no one can escape. Pay homage to this truth and you can achieve joy; neglect it for your death and that of your community.
The quote above effectively says, ‘if we are loved (by family), then we should love them back; be prepared to love even a little more. We are called to do something as a result of the love given to us, which if not through Christ, then through the love of family and their sacrifices for us. In light of this, we must be cautious and protective of what and whom we love, being prepared to make the same kind of sacrifices for our family members that they have made for us. It is fair and equitable.
© Steve J. Wickham, 2008. All rights reserved worldwide.
[1] This passage is from Paul’s letter to the Philippians, chapter 2 verses 1-4 (tniv).
[2] sir silva, Philippians, Baker’s Exegetical Commentary on the New Testament, 2nd ed. (Baker Academic, Grand Rapids, Michigan, 1992, 2005), p. 87.