We have all experienced conflicts that ended in disaster. But have you ever had a conflict with a friend or co-worker that ended on a really positive note? Maybe they learned a life lesson or felt a renewed sense of commitment to each other. Sometimes the act of clearing the air can create a dedication to start over with a clean slate. Usually though, before you can give your relationship this breath of fresh air, some very awkward conversations need to take place.
Basically, there are two different types of conflicts: task conflicts and emotional conflicts. Task conflicts center on what to do or how to do it. These conflicts often act as catalysts, motivating us and inviting us to explore our differences. When we set out to resolve our task conflicts through dialogue and brainstorming, we are often able to discover the best ways to achieve common goals or make sound decisions.
Emotional conflicts, or personality clashes, are the result of psychological dynamics that operate below the surface. These are the conflicts that occur when one or both parties to a conflict feel trivialized or devalued. Often, task and emotional conflicts will occur together or a task conflict can be misinterpreted and inflamed, creating suspicion, competition, and emotional conflict.
The good news is that even the most unpleasant conflicts can be resolved if both of you are willing to come to the table and remain committed to rebuilding the relationship. Here’s my 10-step plan to end disputes and build connections.
1. Get ready. Take notes about the situation and your feelings. Write about where you are, where you want to be, and how you could get there. Consider the best, worst, and likely outcome of your dispute. Does the person on the other end know that you are in conflict? Does he know that something is bothering you? Are you willing to risk letting go of the relationship? If not, you may not want to start the process that follows. You can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube and you can’t take back your words once you’ve shared them with someone else.
2. Ask for a trick. Be willing to sit at the table and stay there. The other side will come if your message is “I really want to find a solution that works for both of us.” If you can’t carry the message, find someone who can intervene on your behalf and bring both of you to the table.
3. Set the stage. Sit down at a time when you both have a clear head and can give this important conversation the time and energy it deserves.
4. Speak from the heart. Don’t point the finger of blame. Instead, focus on finding a solution that works for both of you. This is collaboration.
5. Listen, listen, listen. Listen as if you were an outside observer with no prior knowledge of the situation. Twenty years in the mediation business have taught me that there are at least two sides to every story. You may be very surprised when you hear the rest of the story.
6. Give yourself time to think, process the information, and calm down.
7. Define emotions. In almost every human conflict, whether it’s two children in a schoolyard or two nations at war, someone feels left out, slighted, disenfranchised, or disrespected. These are the emotions that fuel enmity. Sometimes just defining that emotion and realizing that we both feel the same thing is enough to resolve our dispute.
8. Be willing to apologize. The closer the relationship, the more likely it is that they stepped on each other’s toes. If you can’t apologize for something specific, at least apologize for the anguish the other party has been living with and anything you think you did to contribute to it.
9. Don’t leave conflicts unresolved. An agreement to disagree is a resolution. Leaving the conflict open prepares you for future fights.
10. If all else fails, hire a professional to help you. Often an outside opinion sheds light on your blind spots and helps you come to an agreement. Consider bringing in a mediator when the relationship is important.