I think it’s fair to say that almost anyone would understand that a wife who is dealing with an affair is probably also dealing with a bit of insecurity. Sure, she may hear her husband proclaiming her love for you and stating that she wants to save her marriage and make things right. But how do you know that you can trust what she says? How do you know that she is telling you the truth? After all, she was lying when she was cheating. So how can you be sure she’s not lying now?
And, as much as you want to believe his flattery and reassurance, how do you know he’s not just saying what he needs to say to make things better for everyone involved? How do you know that his claims that you are beautiful and still desirable are true or if he is just saying this so you don’t feel so bad about the affair?
Due to all these worries, it is very normal to feel insecure. You worry when it’s even a little late. You worry every time you hear his cell phone beep. You even guess every look or gesture you experience from him. Even when things are going well and things feel better, you wonder if what you are experiencing is just an extension of wishful thinking.
This dilemma is so normal that it’s more unusual for me to hear from people who say they don’t experience it than from those who do. Almost everyone struggles with this. And while it’s completely understandable, it can be hurtful in more ways than one.
The Many Ways Insecurity Is Incredibly Destructive: First of all, it’s exhausting for you. Trust me, no one likes to feel so insecure. And it hurts more than anything to the person experiencing it. But more than that, it can damage the very relationship that is the cause of insecurity. Because people get tired of constantly having to reassure you. And they can be completely sincere and loving at first, with a lot of patience. But as time goes by, it’s very exhausting for everyone involved.
A wife might say, “I admit it. I’m an insecure mess after my husband’s affair. The thing is, the other woman was young and beautiful. If I were a man, I’d be attracted to her, too. And she had issues.” to accept it when my husband tried to break it up. She continued to pursue him. It was as if he, and the relationship, really meant something to her. This hurts. And it hurts to know that when it comes to looks and desirability, they’re going “never I can compete with her. And I will always worry that she, or someone like her, will show up again. Therefore, I always show my husband. I always go after him on the road.” computer. I always check his phone. He was patient with this at first. But the other night, he sat me down and told me that I had to get over my insecurity because, frankly, being so “high maintenance “As he calls that, it makes him more prone to cheating in the long run. He says I have to stop this, which hurts. I kind of get it. But I feel like I’m entitled to my insecurity. And I can’t pretend I don’t.” I feel”.
Letting the insecurity go by yourself. For no one but you: I agree that insecurity is understandable. But I also know (from experience) that it destroys everything that is important to you. And that it is a heavy load to carry. I would like to suggest, as gently and lovingly as possible, that you try to strengthen yourself and reduce insecurity for yourself and not for him. Because it will only benefit you to gain confidence in yourself.
I promise this is beneficial in all sorts of ways. It frees you from so many worries and allows you to stop the exhausting process of always feeling insufficient. It is true that you do not have his youth. You are not her. But you have much more. You have the history and the commitment of marriage with your husband. You have life experience. And you are your wonderful and unique being.
I’ve learned that the key is to determine what makes you unique and then celebrate it without apology. No one else can be you. Each one is unique. You cannot and should not compete with anyone else because it is an impossible process. We are all unique and special in our own way, and ideally we are with someone who realizes that. If not, at least we have to find out for ourselves.
So yes, I strongly encourage you to let go of your insecurity and learn to appreciate how brilliant and special you are. But not for your husband, for you.